Due to the fact that Melinda and I have 9 children and several sons-in-law and several daughters-in-law, along with 12 grandchildren, you can probably imagine the many questions we get asked and how wide an varied this questions might be.How to be better in-laws to the spouses of our children. We do not pretend to be perfect at parenting and in-lawing and in grand-parenting, but we work hard at being available to our children and to their families.
One of the questions we are often asked is ‘how can I be a better father-in-law or better mother-in-law to my son or daughter-in-law? This is a very broad subject and in-law relationships can feel like walking on eggshells at times, so to help answer the question, Melinda and I put together a series of questions and have answered them as honestly as we know how. To begin, we must start at what we consider to be the foundation of our family. Our faith.
…but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15d NASB
That verse served us well while raising our children, but once our children left home and married, they established their own houses and became responsible for their own spiritual service to and faith in the Lord. Where does that leave us in regard to our roles as parents to our children and in-laws to their spouses? The following passage of God’s Word will be a great jumping off point into how Melinda and navigate our relationships with our sons and daughters-in-law.
Ephesian 5:28-31 NASB says, 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also [does] the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND HIS MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
The question becomes, how do we help our children leave and cleave? Before we dive into that answer, I have a few questions for Melinda. I will ask the questions and what will follow are Melinda’s spontaneous answers.
Do you remember how it felt to gain our first daughter-in-law? Yes. It was a journey we were excited for but cautious of at the same time because our oldest child (a son) had ended a relationship/engagement in high school and was now in college and we weren’t quite sure how things would go for him in a new relationship he was developing with a friend he had met at college.
We were genuinely excited for him and she actually told us she had been praying for him before they met as well as praying for our family even though she did not know us at all. This all took place before she had any inclination that they might become a couple. When they began dating, it was exciting for us knowing God had already set her aside for our son.
How did it feel to gain your first son-in-law? Well, that was pretty special because when this gentleman came into our home to take our daughter on their first date, he brought ME flowers and candy that were my favorites and I thought, “OK, he has got me wrapped around his finger and he’s a keeper!” (Dennis here: I thought, “Suck up, LOL!”). That was a good move! He had also worked for us one summer and proved himself to be the hardest worker and I thought, “if he is willing to do all he did and gain our approval our daughter’s affection, I knew he would be a good son-in-law even though they were very young. We were grateful for him.
How does it feel to have so many sons-in-laws and daughters-in law? We feel extra blessed because it’s just expanded our family in an amazing way and has enriched the blessings we have as a family. I just think it’s pretty incredible.
Dennis here: I actually call them Daughters-in-love because our first daughter-in-law referred to me as her father-in-love and that blesses me deeply to this day.
Melinda: I don’t really call them daughters-inlay or sons-in-law just because I claim them as our own and when they made their wedding vows we covenanted with them and took those vows very seriously and, in a sense, we became one with them as a family. So, they are ours.
How do you feel about your in-law children? Raising children in the home is much easier than raising adult children. For one, we’re not raising them anymore. They’ve been raised. So, I guess parenting is the better word. My rule for our in-law children is to be there for them. Listen. If I am asked for advice then give it, otherwise, keep my mouth shut, which is the hard part for me because I am a truth speaker. Is that fair to say?
Dennis here: Let me describe Melinda to you. You know what she thinks in any given moment.
Melinda: well, I’m pretty black and white so I don’t have much time to mess around. If you want to know what I think I will tell you. Sometimes that can be not so great so I have had to learn to hold my tongue…and that can sometimes be difficult during a stressful time. I don’t that my children-in-law any differently than I treat my own children. I expect the same openness and honesty from them. I expect open communication. It goes both ways.
What safe-guards have you put in place to protect those relationships? What boundaries - whether spoken or understood - have you set in place to safeguard those in-law relationships? One thing we do physically is that we don’t just show up at their homes unannounced. We always give them privacy. We are not ‘in their business’. We don’t pay any of their bill so their finances are none of our business. We try not to tell them what to do concerning their personal choices.
We avoid the hot topics like politics or religion or money because those re the three big ones…or if they are using or not using birth control…you know, those types of topics because those are choices they need to make on their own as a couple - as a family. We want to love them no matter what - like Christ loves them and I don’t want to stray from what is the truth…because we just have to love them.
Dennis here: Someone put it to me this week. ‘The best way to be a good in-law is to basically butt out of their business but, at the same time, be available to them.’
Melinda: Right, but at the same time, we have invested in their lives and we are allowed to speak up if their is an opportunity the Lord is leading us to. I feel like it’s OK to say something in a kind way. When we have made an investment we have the right to make the occasional withdrawal on that investment.
How do you approach discipline of our grandchildren? Well, it’s kind of like ‘My house. My rules.’ Still, each child is so different and each parent has different rules, so I am very sensitive as to how they parent their children. Some of the parents are more open to me correcting their children. Some of them would rather I not. I try to be very careful and I never want to alienate any of our grandchildren because our goal and desire is for them to always feel welcome in our home. If they are disrespecting their parents, I would always call them out on that. If they are disrespecting me, I am allowed to say so. If they are disobeying me, I have the right to speak up. I’m not going to allow that whether their parent is there or not. Discipline is important but we never want to shame our grandchildren or make it a bigger issue than it is.
When I began preparing for the recording of this episode of the podcast I sent a questionnaire to my children and heard back from only two of them, so I don’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. (Melinda - I take that as a good thing). I received this from one of our daughters: Don’t be afraid to ask us questions about our kids and even questions about how we parent so that you can better understand our need and wants as parents.
That indicates to me that communication is vital and bottom line, foundational wisdom. Reality is that each of our children have their own standards and their own family routines. Some would prefer we not give them little treats. Some are very strict about that and some couldn’t care less. We, as grandparents need to know that and be aware of that and I would never want that to be an issue or a problem because we’re not going to the kind of grandparents that disrespect the rules of each individual family. (Dennis - Speak for yourself because I keep candy hidden in my studio!). OK, but grandma is going to be very aware and I want to be careful to be consistent because when they are all at the house and things can become very chaotic. It is just better that we follow the rules regarding the rules of their parents. We try to always encourage them with positive words and affirmation. That’s one thing that we do well, I think. We try to focus on their strengths and always focus on the truth and speak blessing over them. That is one thing we tried to do with our own children and still try to do for them. It’s not always about correcting the wrong but emphasizing the positive things we see in them and speaking the truth into what they do correctly.
(Dennis here) One thing that comes to my mind is that we don’t assume the in-laws will love the same things we love. We try to recognize the individuality and worth of each in-law. We’ve tried to get to know them…their quirks…their personality types…their pasts…their traumas…their triumphs. You’ve already mentioned this but we try not to argue over trivial matters. It is Ok to disagree politically, to disagree on spiritually, and to disagree on social issues. Our number one job is to love and to offer wisdom when requested.
As a parent, we have every right to make withdrawals on relationships in which we have invested a lifetime. We never stop being parents. Our roles simply change. With our children-in-law, we need to remember we are not their birth parents and they were not necessarily raised with the same principles with which we raised our own children. We cannot place expectations upon them that are unrealistic or which they have no framework for understanding.
I see myself as a wisdom-giver…and try to offer my wisdom only when asked. I send out a daily devotion to each family adult family member but do not expect them to read them or even agree with them. They are there for encouragement if needed. Even if our children and their spouses never read them, I feel I have at least taken a practical step in being the spiritual leader of our family.
I see my basic role as a father-in-law as one of reminding my children-in-law of who and Whose they are…in practical and subtle ways. Basically, I let them know I am always available to them and that I am for them and that I value them as one of my own…but recognize my role is not to change or manipulate them. Our traditions are not their traditions and we, as in-laws, need to allow and bless our children and their spouses to create their own traditions and to raise their own children as they see fit.
Another thing we avoid is trying to guilt them into being at our house for special occasions or holidays. We would never do that. We would love it if they were always at our house but we know we have to share. We are grateful that they do have extended families that love them as well. We want them to build relationships with them as well.
We have a couple of children and their families live in different countries. One who live overseas in Australia and another in Canada. That can be very difficult when we do have family gatherings…to make them feel included. That is something we work really, really hard on through social media via FaceTime and a family chat that is going around the clock 24/7 on WhatsApp. There are sub-categories of chats going on throughout the day. A brother chat. A sister chat. Private chats between family members in order to plan and pull off surprise birthdays and the like. There is even a plant chat, a Jonas Brothers chat, and all sorts of other things. Whatever their interests are, they are shared and are a practical way to build and maintain family relationship even though we are scattered all over the place physically.
We feel that through technology we can stay connected with one another and watch the grandchildren in swimming lessons, or in special school programs, or putting on a show, or putting together dance routines, or sharing knock-knock jokes with the entire family, even getting to watch them decorating their trees at Christmas, and blowing out birthday candles, keeping up with their careers and anniversaries, constantly sending one another words of encouragement, favorite recipes, etc. It is quite like sitting around the table and chatting 24 hours a day. Our point? Family relationships require work just like a marital relationship.
One of our greatest joys is in watching our children interact with one another and enjoying one another via these online chats and videos and pictures and messages. We honestly feel we have accomplished our major life’s work by reaping the benefits of watching our children remain connected and regarding one another as best and vital friends in spite of physical separation. They simply like being together. I’d say we have accomplished much by simply facilitating these interactions.
To be honest, our main roles as in-laws is recognizing we are now in the phase of life in which we are available to offer wisdom, guidance, and child-care when asked. My best advice on being a good father-in-law is not to butt in unless asked. I have no qualms about stepping in and offering my opinion when it comes to life-altering issues…but those are few and far between. My best advice as spiritual head of my family (not as a ruler or authoritarian figure)…the things I can practically do without butting into the lives of my children and their spouses is simple - pray, send daily devotions, and take opportunities to love on our children-in-law and our grandchildren.
I’ve been singing over my children since they were little, singing them to sleep each night…and now I have the privilege of singing those same songs over my grandchildren when they spend the night with us. I love telling them how I used to sing the same songs over their mommy or daddy when they were little girls and boys and seeing their little eyes brighten up as they feel they are part of something very special, passed down through the generations. They especially love the song “I Am A Sheep” because they’ve all heard it sung over them by their own parents in their own homes.
My secret scheme is to create a place where my grandchildren beg their parents to be. They all love coming to grandma’s house and to the forest of Bren…they love playing hide and seek with us…playing basketball and board games…going on adventures in the forest. We love our grandchildren but we first love their parents.
I’d like to share something one of our sons-in-law shared with us as we wrap up this interview. I think it speaks volumes as to what we are trying to say. When I asked him how I could be a better father-in-law, he wrote the following:
I’ve been thinking for a few days about your email requesting advice for being better in-laws and grandparents. Here are my conclusions: In short, my advice in regards to being my in-laws, is to not change anything you’re already doing/not doing. For the past 14 1/2 years, I’ve witnessed and experienced a set of in-laws who have respected me and allowed me to grow my family in maturity (as well as a number of people) through numerous trials, struggles, successes, and triumphs.
You have allowed (my wife) and I to forge our own path while still being there whenever needed for guidance and advice. Never attempting to impose your own will on our decisions and life path even though I’m sure at times that is very difficult to not do. The respect you’ve shown me over the years feels unearned, but has compelled me to make sure that I match and, if possible, exceed the respect shown back to you.
You and Momma J also lead by example continuously. Always steadfast. Always honest and truthful. Always an example for me, (my wife), and our children. Y’all are great. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. In regards to being grandparents, or ‘better’ grandparents, I have the same advice. Don’t change anything.
Even if I did have something to ‘complain’ about, I wouldn’t tell you or advise you to change it. I believe it is important for a child to experience a wide range of experiences and relationships in order to shape that child into the human God intended them to be. Sometimes bad experiences are helpful. Sometimes good experiences turn out to be hurtful in the long run.
All I know is God has placed my children in this world with myself and (my wife) as their parents, you and Momma J as grandparents, my dad and mom as grandparents as well. All the experiences my children are having are going to shape them into who they are supposed to be. Don’t change anything. You guys are amazing. And I love you both as if you were my own parents.
I am glad to be able to bless you both. You both deserve it. I am not saying those things to gain ‘favorite son in-law’ status though. It is truth. And it was well thought through and considered before verbalizing. I love you both.
In closing, Melinda and I encourage you to see each of your children-in-law as rich blessings that enhance and enrich the depth of your family. Bless them and encourage them as if they are your own. Show them honor as being a part of your family. We desire to bless them through both hard times and good times and to be living examples of God’s deep, deep love for each of us.
Dennis & Melinda Jernigan
To hear The Dennis Jernigan Podcast version of this teaching and to hear a song of blessing for your children and children-in-law, go to http://podcast.dennisjernigan.com/e/how-to-be-better-in-laws/
Photo courtesy of https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2014/09/13/04/59/couple-443600_1280.jpg
