More Than Enough

     This past year, I wrote and published a book called Renewing Your Mind - Identity and the Matter of Choice. Little did I know or imagine how much I would need to rely on the Truth of God’s Word and re-apply that Truth to my own soul again and again. I thought my life was in a great place after the process of writing and releasing the book. My marriage was great. My children were great. My grandchildren were  great. Ministry was great. And then my dad died…

     Walking through the dying process with a parent is difficult. Spending time with dad…even in ICU  with the tubes and IVs rendering him incapable of verbal response…even when I could not tell if he recognized me at times…even during the times of watching him finally fall into drug-induced sleep, I was able to grieve along the way. Grief is a feeling of loss. Mourning is the outward expression of that feeling. I was great at feeling the loss…not so great at expressing it.

     He died on August 31, 2017. The funeral was absolutely fitting and glorious, my dad having given me a list of 15 worship songs he wanted at his home-going celebration because he wanted us to be happy for him. Although we could only squeeze 5 songs from his list into that two-hour service, I shared them all in the passing days in live feeds on Facebook, something I think dad would approve of as a practical solution.
Thinking I had gotten all my mourning out of my soul and to prove myself past the bulk of my grief, I dove into an intense schedule of personal discipline to keep my mind focused on the real and on the present and off of the empty place left by by dad’s absence. Here is my actual schedule:

MONDAY
Broadcast on Facebook Live
Write at least 1500 words of either ministry or book material
Answer ministry emails

TUESDAY
Broadcast on Facebook Live
Write and record podcasts
Answer ministry emails

WEDNESDAY
Broadcast on Facebook Live
Write at least one week’s worth of personal daily devotions
Answer ministry emails

THURSDAY
Broadcast on Facebook Live
Write at least 2500 words of a new fantasy novel
Answer ministry emails
Write a newsletter

FRIDAY
Broadcast on Facebook Live
Write at least 2500 words on a new memoir or whatever I feel like writing
Work on marketing and epublishing
Answer ministry emails

     At the end of the first full week of December, my mind began to say ‘no’ in not-so-uncertain terms. One night as I lay down to sleep, I suddenly felt a sense of panic - like being overwhelmed - like falling into a deep hole of fear that kept sucking me deeper and deeper into despair. That first night was miserable. That second night was horrifying. The third night in a row of sleeplessness and its overshadowing fear left me feeling as if I would lose my mind. Melinda would simply speak truth to me from God’s Word. I would read the Word and listen to it through the night. But nothing seemed to help.

     Each night became the same….and the fear soon became ‘I do not want to fear going to bed each night.’ Melinda was so good to keep asking me what lies I was believing, but I could never put my finger on just one lie. I believe the enemy had woven such a web of lies that my thoughts had become so entangled they would never become whole again. Even as I tried to name any lies I was believing and even after putting on the truth of God’s Word, I still experienced panic attacks, leading to several more sleepless nights. During one of those episodes while driving home one night, I felt so overwhelmed I thought I needed to pull over to the side of the road as I cried out to God, “Help me. Father! Help me!”

     That very moment, my phone rang. On the other end was a friend I had not spoken to in years - a friend who happens to be a professional therapist! He simply said, “After all the thousands of people you have ministered to through the years, how many have ever stopped to ask you how you were doing? Dennis, how are you doing?” My mind was suddenly able to gain control at the thought of the miraculous intervention of God in my life in that moment. It truly was supernatural - beyond mere coincidence. My friend talked me through my panic and helped me breathe all the way home. He sang to me and assured me this was part of the process of grieving and that God would be with me through it all. He encouraged me to make a list of the things I missed about my dad and then he encouraged me to sing.

     That moment of God’s very evident intervention in my life helped lasso my thoughts back into reality. That night I mourned the loss of my dad. That night I began taking back the stolen ground of the past few weeks of panic. That night I slept. The next week, I went to my family doctor and told him of my experiences. He told me grief does weird things and shows up at strange moments…like experiencing the first Christmas season without dad. He diagnosed me with sleep-deprivation and prescribed a sleep aid and then he grabbed me and prayed with me for God to intervene and put my mind at rest. I have a great physician and a Great Physician!

     With the help of my wife and children and friends, I realized how loved I was…and the fear began to subside. Rather than diving into work to fill my sorrow, I began to fill my life with things that brought hope - something to look forward to…like fishing with my grandsons…like being with and knowing my wife…like movies with happy endings…like reading the constant family chat my children keep going on WhatsApp…like recalling all I have and not focusing on what I have lost. One by one, as rest and love replaced sleeplessness and fear, I was able to put words to the lies…and one by one, replace each lie with the truth.

     At the risk of being too transparent, I am going to share the brief version of that list of lies along with the truth I put in their place:

LIE: One day I will be strapped to a hospital bed with a tube down my throat, my hands restrained

TRUTH: Even if that were to come to pass, I would have God’s presence and grace to get me through…and if my dad could do it well, then so could I.

LIE: I am no longer needed or necessary, hated by the world and forgotten by the body of Christ.

TRUTH: I am still here, therefore I am still needed…regardless of what the world thinks - and I am still part of the body of Christ no matter what!

LIE: No one loves you

TRUTH: I do not need everyone to love me…just Father God, my wife, my family, and my friends will do!

LIE: You’re getting too old for this. You are a laughingstock - a has-been

TRUTH: I’m just getting started. I am adored by my Father. I am son of the King and will go down fighting for the Truth because the love I know in Christ is worth dying for

LIE: Even the church has no need of your message. The bulk of your income is derived from the churches you minister in and to. Since gay marriage is the law of the land, the church has no need of your message. You need to re-think what the Word of God really says about homosexuality. Get with the modern Gospel. YOU are the hater.

TRUTH: The church is not my provider. God is. I am commanded to ‘say so’ and tell my story of redemption and identity in Jesus Christ. Same sex attraction is a temptation - not an identity. God created us male and female. The world is headed for the destruction of the deception of the enemy concerning who we are intended to be. Confusion over identity has permeated every part of our culture. We need a Solid Rock on which to stand, not a wishy-washy gospel based on false-love. The Word stands forever. I choose to stand there on and with the Word of God…no matter what.

     It was in the midst of making that list (and there are so many more lies I had been believing but will not bore you any further with. As I recently listened to a podcast called Fun Therapy, I began to make a mental list of all my feelings. Any feelings that were fear-based I put in the lie column. Any feelings that were love-based, I placed in the truth column. The words of this song, More Than Enough, poured out as my honest prayer of honest transparency before the Lord. I will not languish in the place of fear any longer,  but I will walk through the process of mourning the loss of my dad by taking the hand of my God and His Truth as He leads me to the place of healing this song left me in. May it do and be the same for you.
Dennis Jernigan

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us.
 1 John 4:18-19 NASB

To listen to Dennis Jernigan share this teaching, go to The Dennis Jernigan Podcast at http://podcast.dennisjernigan.com/e/more-than-enough-1516730806/

More Than Enough
January 10, 2018

Verse
Sometimes I feel so broken
I just cannot be fixed
Like two perfect notes that should harmonize
But cannot be mixed
Sometimes I ache
Sometimes the hurt seems too deep to feel
So numb and so cold to find enough strength
To grasp what is real
I have come to conclude
I am never enough
And that is why I know
I need You so much!
 
Chorus
You are enough when I hang by a thread!
More than enough when I cling to the ledge!
You are enough!
You and Your love!
More than enough!
You are enough to quiet my fear!
More than enough! Always closer than near!
You are enough!
You and Your love!
Are more than enough!

Verse
Feelings reveal that somewhere I'm believing a lie
That my God is not there!
That my God does not care!
So just lay down and die
So I fix my eyes on Jesus Christ!
The absolute Truth!
That He wanted me so much that He died for me!
And I'm living proof!
I have come to conclude
You are more than enough
And that is why I know
I need You so much!

Chorus
You are enough when I hang by a thread!
More than enough when I cling to the ledge!
You are enough!
You and Your love!
More than enough!  
You are enough to quiet my fear!
More than enough! Always closer than near!
You are enough!
You and Your love!
Are more than enough!

Chorus 2
You are enough when I'm too numb to feel!
More than enough to bind my wounds as they heal!
You are enough!
You and Your love!
More than enough!
You are enough when my strength has been drained!
More than enough To comfort me in my pain!
You are enough!
You and Your love!
Are more than enough!

© 2018 Shepherd's Heart Music, Inc. Dennis Jernigan
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The mp3 of More Than Enough is available for purchase at https://dennisjernigan.com/store/product.php?c=24&p=4075